Hooflandia (Clovenhoof Book 7) by Heide Goody & Iain Grant

Author:Heide Goody & Iain Grant [Goody, Heide]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Tags: English, comedy, funny, humour, Satire, Clovenhoof, Humor
ISBN: 9780995749771
Publisher: Pigeon Park Press
Published: 2018-06-07T22:00:00+00:00

On the Ferret estate, dozens of eyes were fixed on an archway with a commanding view of the darkening gardens and the nearby village church.

“Any moment now,” said Maldon and consulted his watch again.

“Maybe they’ve all gone to bed,” said Clovenhoof nonchalantly.

“No,” said Maldon softly. “It should… The birds in the belfry. The chimes.”

He tapped his watch.

“There!” shouted Nerys, pointing.

Clovenhoof looked. A dim shape, a hunting owl perhaps, flapped above distant woodland. And it was most definitely in one of Clovenhoof’s arches.

“Did you see that?” said Nerys.

“I’m not sure any of us saw anything,” said Maldon unconvincingly. “It’s getting dark after all.”

“Perhaps Nigel filmed it,” suggested Clovenhoof.

“I did,” said Nerys.

“Jeremy won?” said Nerys.

“Um,” said Lord Maldon Ferret.

He looked round at his guests. Many were as stunned as him. He saw shock on a lot of faces but there was also plenty of amusement and contempt. People might hate winners, but they also hate total losers.

Maldon’s mouth worked silently, as if searching for a way to back out of the bet, to claim that it had all been in jest. But Clovenhoof had met (and tortured) a lot of rich people and knew that it wasn’t enough for them to have lots of money, they had to pretend that they didn’t care they had lots of money. To plead for his money just wasn’t in Maldon’s nature.

“I take cash or cheque,” said Clovenhoof. “Cash preferably. I like to roll in it and shove it down my pants.”

Maldon’s mouth continued to work silently.

“That will be one point seven four billion pounds please,” said Narinda, “in addition to the money held in your building society.”

“Fuck me,” whispered Nerys, astounded and delighted. She nudged Okra in the ribs. “Seriously. I’m feeling generous.”

“But…” managed Maldon.

“Nigel,” said Narinda, “fetch his lordship’s chequebook.”

“Unless he’d rather see a soon-to-be viral YouTube video of him welching on a bet,” said Nerys.

Clovenhoof gave the shell-shocked lord a consolatory pat on the shoulder. “Never mind, eh, Maldo-mate. Tell you what, I took a shine to those cannons of yours up on the terrace. I’ll buy them off you. Million a pop. They’d look great on my yacht. And maybe we can find you a rugby team somewhere willing to pay for some public-school specials, earn you a little extra cash.”

Clovenhoof turned, arms outspread to the guests and what he reckoned would suddenly turn out to be his new best buddies.

“Scrum fumbles are on Maldon. Drinks are on me. To the bar everyone!”

To whoops and cheers, he led the way back up to the house.

“Okra would really like to have a chat with you as soon as possible about some lucrative business opportunities,” said Nerys, steering her new boyfriend along with them.

“Have his people call my people,” he said, draping an arm over Nerys’s and Narinda’s shoulders. “I think it’s going to be a busy week.”

“I can’t believe that just happened,” said Nerys.

“You are a reckless man,” said Narinda sternly.

“King of gamblers,” he grinned.

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